Friday, November 29, 2013

Paradoxes populate my car.

Paradox of emotion. I feel so grateful and happy, and at the same time, I feel drained and low. I have sook out myself for many a rotation now. As the world spins more so do I. I come to realize that realizations are relevant to the moment and the space. I build new beliefs just to break them to pieces. I feel like raft with no oar, afloat on the ocean. I am scared of what I can not know. I desperately kick my feet in the water just to feel like I am gaining ground. But I am now tired of kicking. Maybe that was the plan all along. Now I have to go with the wind and current. At this point tears are a waste and anger is killing me. I have to find a way to just float. Let go and observe my movements. What ever it is that guides me, please take my raft and move me. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013


Yellow flowers dancing in the wind as the song bird sings his song. A warm feeling on the skin, an awareness moves within.
What is happiness, said a voice.
Does it come from these flowers, or is it the song birds song?
Is it the feeling I get on my skin or the feeling from within.
Can't I just follow your path,
the one that led you there.
I can't. Happiness ins't a path, not an ethos or tao.
It's more like the sun and moon, day and night.
it comes and goes. jostles around in my mind and heart.
Is it important? not as much as truth.
I now know I crave the contrast.
these nights make me crave day.
cold and alone, dark and scared.
I seek the warmth and company, the light and courage.
I have these things, not from the light but from the night.
I am happiness
I am that place of darkness that rests on the light.

Monday, May 13, 2013

How I long for that feeling again. To have my soul touched, moved and shook. That's when I'm really alive.

Monday, March 25, 2013

My Medicine.

I am having this urge, this urge to smoke. I Don't want to quit. I know that for sure. I do want to stop abusing it though. This plant is a medicine. One for the consciousnesses. If it wasn't for this medicine I would still be living blindly. Doing my life in zombie mode, hating my life more everyday and trying to cover it up with sex, relationships, and a career. Everything looks good on the outside, surely it good on the inside. No, no its not ok. And don't call me Shirley. ;) I was a wreck on the inside, I didn't know who I was. In fact I never thought to even ask that question. I didn't know what kind of person I wanted to be. All I knew is what I wanted to have. I wanted a big house, a cool job, nice car, family, the usual stuff. But then I got my medicine. My reality dissolved. I dissolved. My family was highly sportive of my changes. I am so lucky for that. I think my friends just thought I was crazy or going through some weird phase. But they loved me none-the-less. But back to the medicine. It MADE me see the world is vast, and I am small. It made me see that my beliefs weren't my beliefs, they we're someone else's. It helped me know, that I can show emotion and that in doing so I am more of a man. It helped me realize I don't want to talk bad about others, that I don't want to do bad to others, I want to build people up not tear them down. What kind of life was I leading? I was leading one of illusions. All illusions that I let into my own paradigm. And this medicine showed me all this. why would I want to stop? I don't, but just like you can water a plant too much and kill it, I had watered myself down. I was beginning to lose myself again. No, not this time. I KNOW who I am now. And I am not that medicine and I do not need a crutch to deal with my life. If I can't relax without an external device, I need to change my life. This medicine should be used in moderation, to give one a better understanding of where they are in life. It should show you how you make others feel. Not abused to the point of snacking and sloth like behavior. My abuse of this drug has led to a paranoia about myself and everyone around me, it led me to being anti-social, it has led me away from my souls desires. Love and Joy.
I ask for prayers and positive thoughts. I am doing this. Much love my cosmic family.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

My drone state of mind has brought me pain. Not just me but others as well. I've crushed the butterflies wings, blindly with my desensitized foot. But the creature lives. But with broken wings. I have a choice here, or do I? I can but the butterfly out with my numb foot. But for some reason I can't. My foot may be numb from my securities, but my heart still feels. I can't kill him. I don't want him to suffer. But at the same time, he is alive. And just like me his wings have been maned, but he still lives. And I am sure, still wants to live. I have love for this butterfly. This butterfly is a symbol to me. One of hope, of will and passion. Much love butterfly.

Monday, March 11, 2013


Life is great, it is like a video game. One really awesome realistic video game. And at any moment of my choosing, I can recreate my character and his reality. When I was a kid I was fascinated by a game called The Legend Of Zelda, Ocarina Of Time. You play a hero called link, who is known for his courage. He has to battle the evil that is moving into the land. and of course save the princess. I played this game so much when I was a kid it gave me nightmares, I can't help but think how it influenced who I am today, I find many similarities between myself and Link. I get sick to my stomach when I see people with power abusing it, I want to speak out about the dangers of too much power. Link's courage was backed up by his sword and shield, I must back mine up with my mind and voice. Link rode a horse into battle, I ride my ideas into battle. And of course love is the other side of the equation. Love is why link did what he did, Love is why I do what I do. Love for freedom, love for honest expression, free of censorship. If one cannot express themselves freely using emotions, and words then they can't claim to be in control of themselves. I have to be like link, Courageous in my beliefs, bold in my actions, and guided by love.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Fallacy Of Freedom

The Fallacy Of Freedom.

Everyone seems to feel free where I've been. At least they would mostly agree that we live in a free area of the world. I really see an issue here. A red flag if you will. I have family in law enforcement, and we often discuss the idea of freedom. It never fails, when I express some of the reasons why we aren't free he always reply's with, " you are free, you can do whatever you want but you have to deal with the consequences of your actions". Now I can't just dismiss that. I totally agree, but at the same time its still not totally true. I am free to do what I want, I agree with that. But here is where the fallacy is. I am free, the area we live in isn't. But we assume that it is because we put the word free in front of it. Authority over your own (personal) sovereignty is challenged by the same people we elect and support with by paying taxes. I feel the reason no one seems to notice is because of our setting as we grow up. I know looking back at school the main idea I learned was fall in line. From the teachers and authority figures forcing your appearance and behavior. To your peers, tearing you down like a tiger attacks an elephant, taking small chunks off so the elephant wont die, only maned that way the tiger can come back for more later. But I'm getting off the subject here.  The fact that we even consider a "norm" in society is kinda ridiculous. From where I'm sitting there is no such thing as normal. We're all full of shit. Until we can start having a respect for other peoples journeys and lifestyles we will never have the capacity to live in a totally free society. It seems a popular notion is that we can fix this issue from the top down. I don't know about that. This doesn't come off as an issue with our governments, as much as it seems an issue with everyone. Life is tuff shit. We can at least treat each other with some respect. That's gotta be where we start.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

What is freedom? Is it, being able to walk safely down the street, being able to purchase groceries at the local super market, being able to have an education, having access to heath care? I would say no to all the above. Merrian-Websters dictionary's definition of freedom is -the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action.    

Freedom from my point of view has a different connotation. We as a society tend to think that we are free, free to go where we want, free to speak, freedom over the choices in our life. But fact is we aren't a total free society, for instance.  The other day I got pulled over for speeding, 45MPh in a 30MPh zone. Well that is the law right, right. But I thought I was free? "You are, you made a choice and now suffer the consequences for your free action".  I am sorry, thats not freedom. That is control by coercion. As a free adult individual I have the ability to weigh the risks and make my own choice. The argument that people usually make when I tell them my point of view is, " We would have maniacs speeding around everywhere and causing mayhem in the streets, potentially hurting and killing other people". Yep, there is the chance. Anyone who sacrifices freedom for safety deserves neither. Whenever we create laws, and rules that try and make things/places/people safer, all you are doing is taking more choices away from an individual. I don't want to live in a place in which it is ok to tell another person how they have to live their lives. People tend to think because we DO have many freedoms and we DO have it great in this part of the world that we are at the peak of society and civilization, well we aren't. This is only a stepping stone to our peak, one step closer to the summit. If we level out here, at a place of global injustice, individual injustice. At a place where an individual can't even have the freedom and the right to alter his or her mind for spiritual purpose. Or just for the hell of it. We created these laws and this system of government to serve us, but we let it grow to much and it is now broken.
 I hope my generation can use our brains, and our hearts to build a future in which the individual has the true freedom to make choices that affect their lives. Instead of war profiteering, Maybe use that money to end some hunger issues, solve many of the worlds civil issues using love as catalyst for transformation instead of explosions and bullets. 

  Please share with me your ideas and perspective on freedom. 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Dark days

So many faces that remind me of death, few that seem alive. I begin to glow dark. Who's eyes are these?
Not mine I say uneasily. Does reality exist without mind? Sometimes I'd like to know. But honestly I couldn't go. Because in this abyss I still am. And I still glow. Feels like no one else knows. It's hard to feel alone. Not hard to get there, but to be there. As I sit here blank in my stare. My soul begins to flare. I can try to quantify these feelings, to hard to express. But somehow what I've confessed, has been best.