Tuesday, May 5, 2015

"I graduated college, got married, bought a house had kids, got some cars, decided it was a good investment idea to buy a RV, and then saved up so my kids could repeat the cycle. This makes me a integral part of my planet. I Decided money and things were more important experiences and knowledge. Actually thinking about trading in the creative part of my brain in for a down payment on cruise ship, or maybe a jet ski. Already traded the part of my brain that facilitates introspective thought and independent thinking for the newest party line. I am also a spurs fan, sprint is better than ATT, i am a republican and a practitioner of Judaism. I have helped carry on the momentum of those who came before me, and didn't have time to think about who I am and Where I come from, I was to busy watching tv and drinking beer".

Friday, January 24, 2014

More thoughts.

Sadness only covered by anger, anger that ranged from traffic to personal beliefs. But that was 5 years ago. I am not that person anymore. I am not those feelings anymore. I didn't have an out of body experience, I didn't have a mystical vision that redidirectd the trajectory of my life. I worked hard. I worked hard everyday. At everything I did. Mainly my thought patterns. I paid attention to how I thought about everything. I paid attention to how people reacted to my presence. I worked on having empathy for my peers. I pushed my beliefs to their boundaries, and watched them crumble. I let go of the idea that there is one way to live life. I realized there is no difference between spiritual practice and flipping burgers. It's obvious to me now. They are both spiritual practices. I try and follow my intuition and try to stay in the moment. When life gets tuff, I repeat to myself, "here I am, I am here". I know there are no limits to how good of a person I can be. And I also understand the paradoxs of life. Or rather that life is a paradox.  It is important that I continue to evolve myself and learn more about who I am and what drives me. Especially before I take another lover.  I must be able to treat myself right and make my own happiness before I can meet someone with the same ideal. And pickens are slim. But that's how you know it's gonna be worth the work and wait. I am present in this moment but look to the past to learn, gaze into the future to create. 


Friday, November 29, 2013

Paradoxes populate my car.

Paradox of emotion. I feel so grateful and happy, and at the same time, I feel drained and low. I have sook out myself for many a rotation now. As the world spins more so do I. I come to realize that realizations are relevant to the moment and the space. I build new beliefs just to break them to pieces. I feel like raft with no oar, afloat on the ocean. I am scared of what I can not know. I desperately kick my feet in the water just to feel like I am gaining ground. But I am now tired of kicking. Maybe that was the plan all along. Now I have to go with the wind and current. At this point tears are a waste and anger is killing me. I have to find a way to just float. Let go and observe my movements. What ever it is that guides me, please take my raft and move me. 

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

happiness.

Yellow flowers dancing in the wind as the song bird sings his song. A warm feeling on the skin, an awareness moves within.
What is happiness, said a voice.
Does it come from these flowers, or is it the song birds song?
Is it the feeling I get on my skin or the feeling from within.
Can't I just follow your path,
the one that led you there.
NO
I can't. Happiness ins't a path, not an ethos or tao.
It's more like the sun and moon, day and night.
it comes and goes. jostles around in my mind and heart.
Is it important? not as much as truth.
I now know I crave the contrast.
these nights make me crave day.
cold and alone, dark and scared.
I seek the warmth and company, the light and courage.
I have these things, not from the light but from the night.
I am happiness
I am that place of darkness that rests on the light.

Monday, May 13, 2013

How I long for that feeling again. To have my soul touched, moved and shook. That's when I'm really alive.

Monday, March 25, 2013

My Medicine.

I am having this urge, this urge to smoke. I Don't want to quit. I know that for sure. I do want to stop abusing it though. This plant is a medicine. One for the consciousnesses. If it wasn't for this medicine I would still be living blindly. Doing my life in zombie mode, hating my life more everyday and trying to cover it up with sex, relationships, and a career. Everything looks good on the outside, surely it good on the inside. No, no its not ok. And don't call me Shirley. ;) I was a wreck on the inside, I didn't know who I was. In fact I never thought to even ask that question. I didn't know what kind of person I wanted to be. All I knew is what I wanted to have. I wanted a big house, a cool job, nice car, family, the usual stuff. But then I got my medicine. My reality dissolved. I dissolved. My family was highly sportive of my changes. I am so lucky for that. I think my friends just thought I was crazy or going through some weird phase. But they loved me none-the-less. But back to the medicine. It MADE me see the world is vast, and I am small. It made me see that my beliefs weren't my beliefs, they we're someone else's. It helped me know, that I can show emotion and that in doing so I am more of a man. It helped me realize I don't want to talk bad about others, that I don't want to do bad to others, I want to build people up not tear them down. What kind of life was I leading? I was leading one of illusions. All illusions that I let into my own paradigm. And this medicine showed me all this. why would I want to stop? I don't, but just like you can water a plant too much and kill it, I had watered myself down. I was beginning to lose myself again. No, not this time. I KNOW who I am now. And I am not that medicine and I do not need a crutch to deal with my life. If I can't relax without an external device, I need to change my life. This medicine should be used in moderation, to give one a better understanding of where they are in life. It should show you how you make others feel. Not abused to the point of snacking and sloth like behavior. My abuse of this drug has led to a paranoia about myself and everyone around me, it led me to being anti-social, it has led me away from my souls desires. Love and Joy.
I ask for prayers and positive thoughts. I am doing this. Much love my cosmic family.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

My drone state of mind has brought me pain. Not just me but others as well. I've crushed the butterflies wings, blindly with my desensitized foot. But the creature lives. But with broken wings. I have a choice here, or do I? I can but the butterfly out with my numb foot. But for some reason I can't. My foot may be numb from my securities, but my heart still feels. I can't kill him. I don't want him to suffer. But at the same time, he is alive. And just like me his wings have been maned, but he still lives. And I am sure, still wants to live. I have love for this butterfly. This butterfly is a symbol to me. One of hope, of will and passion. Much love butterfly.